Can You Let A 5 Month Old Cry It Out How to Cope with Sudden Death

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How to Cope with Sudden Death

Have you been devastated by the unexpected death of a loved one? Frozen in time; Numb? Don’t know where to turn? All this and more happens every day and can be described in just one word: Normal. But whether normal or not, its effect is chilling, something that no one who has never experienced it can understand.

I did this trip with my wife so I speak from a bit of experience with this. However, I don’t pretend to know what anyone else might be feeling. Every grief is different because every relationship is unique.

In my case, my wife and I found our four-month-old daughter dead in her crib. I gave her mouth to mouth and my wife called the paramedics who rushed her to the hospital. All to no avail.

So what can you do? Or what could you do to help someone else who is upset by the sudden death of a loved one?

1. Do what comes naturally to you. For us it was crying as we walked home, which was a long way from the hospital emergency room. We refused a ride because we needed to be alone. Expressing what you have inside is critical. In this case, we were lucky enough to cry with each other.

2. Look for the privacy you need. We were in an unfamiliar city having made a temporary move earlier in the summer. In a strange way, our privacy was being on the sidewalk, the two of us, with all the bustling traffic and rushing people by. They had no idea what was going on in our hearts and minds. You may need to be away from everyone or only with a special person.

3. Be with those you trust the most, who will allow you to be who you are in that moment, without instructions. In will help you immensely if you can have at least one person to direct all of your feelings towards. Be sure to talk about your anger, which is not unusual. You may need to hug or hold on to someone as if they are your only hope.

4. If the main mourner is alone when he receives the news and you also know what has happened, go to that person immediately. If he wants to be alone, he will tell you. Most likely, your presence alone will be a thread of security for the person.

5. Find out all you can about how the death happened. It will help you understand and process the events that led to the death. It may mean that you or someone close to you will need to contact the doctor or nurse or anyone else on the scene.

6. If possible, see the body. If there was facial disfigurement, cover your loved one’s face and at least look at the hands or arms. You may need to be alone with the body. Ask for that time and tell others to let you do and say what you feel. If you are providing support to someone, you may want to ask the person if they would like to be with your loved one in this way, especially if there is going to be a closed casket.

7. You may have to put your grief on hold if you are the only person expected to make all the arrangements for the services and burial. The same may be true if you are responsible for children who were very close to the deceased. And it’s okay to do so.

8. On the other hand, your shock and disbelief at this tragic event may last longer than usually expected. Again, stay close to those you trust. Then you may need to ask others to help you with arrangements and legal issues if you don’t feel confident handling them at this time. This is common and completely acceptable.

9. Because it was a sudden death, there was no time to say goodbye. However, you can still do it when you’re ready. Find a quiet place in your home or other special place that is private. Place a photo of your loved one on a chair in front of you and say what’s on your heart. Many people have found comfort and solace in this goodbye.

In summary, because every grief is unique, the response to sudden death is unpredictable. Be especially willing to lean on others for help and expect the usual reactions to the death of a loved one to be prolonged and persist for a longer period of time.

Throughout the process do not keep your pain and sadness inside. Continue to release these feelings and talk to those who understand your long-term need for good listeners. And I emphasize long-term. Make sure you deal with guilt and anger and don’t let it build up and keep you stuck in your grief.

When your grief seems to persist and you feel stuck, look into joining a support group. There are also many grief therapists who deal with sudden deaths in their practices who can help you regain your balance. Both of these resources are proven aids for those dealing with sudden deaths. Most importantly, be open to finding new ways to look at the world, the terrible death of your loved one, and find out what others have done to ease the pain.

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