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What Old People Can’t Do

We seniors are often given an impossible task. Marketers, newspapers, cable TV companies, news channels, pharmaceutical companies, manufacturers, etc., all absolutely hate us. They give us these impossible tasks. As a public service to marketers and others who deal with us seniors, here are some things seniors can’t do:

1. Seniors can’t contact you before you hang up, unless you’re a telemarketer.

2. Seniors cannot read the small print on prescription drug bottles, the instructions for safe use, or the dosage for over-the-counter drugs.

We can’t read the instructions for assembling the bamboo bird cage (not because it’s in Chinese, but because the print size is minus 6).

We can’t read any of the fine print that flies down the TV screen or printed in glossy magazines telling us that the suggested drug can cause diarrhea, nausea, dizziness and gum pain.

We also can’t read the terms for leasing or buying that new car that appear on television or in newspaper ads.

3. We can’t hear the news people when they lower their voices or decide to mumble as they do every day on our Twin Falls station, channel news stations, and for the dramatic, on regular TV programming.

4. We can’t watch bad news. (I can’t anyway. My wife always changes the channel.)

5. We can’t deadlift over 5 pounds, so don’t suggest 15-pound dumbbells to help us get our “tweaked” muscles back.

6. We can’t open packages that contain things we really want in our hands, like a new TV remote control, a DVD, an electric car, a CD player.

The plastic is so thick that our carpet knives won’t even cut it.

Hear this you packaging engineers: Old people don’t have acetylene torches.

7. We can’t follow the instructions for putting the shed in the back yard.

We have to go back and remove Part 100653 and put in Part 100458 then put in Part 100653 again, etc.

This always takes 45 minutes.

The hut is supposed to rise in 3 hours.

We need 3 days if we can get our kids to “take over” and finish the project.

8. We can’t see what’s on TV because of mindless moves on the cable company’s TV guide channel.

A field of only two channels passes by at the bottom of our screen, while movements take us away from the last view of the screen.

It takes 5 seconds for both channels to switch and detect two more channels.

One ignore and you have to start over.

Also, you have to watch all the digital listings that go through before the analog channels come back on.

This is why I hate my cable company even though they have very nice employees who don’t want me to switch to you-know-what. (I had one of those things on top of my house and the cable car took it down and through it to his truck. I never got a check for that thing.)

I want the old screen back showing a full screen of analog channels and nothing else.

I know. If I added the digital channels I wouldn’t have this problem. I can click around like on you-know-what. Well, I’ll let you in on a secret. This doesn’t work for me. When I’m at my nephew’s house, they have to find the right channel for me. (They always find something they like better than what I want to watch.)

Well, if I switch to satellite, I’ll have less of a problem.

(PS: My cable company does not respond to hate mail.)

9. We don’t understand why a million companies are selling the MedicareRx Prescription Drug Plan.

When we get to the drugstore, we find that either they don’t take “your plan,” you can’t get the drugs anyway because of a medical problem, and that our drugs are in tier 3, which have a co- pay than our old plan.

(We know the president loves the plan. That’s one reason we can’t love President Bush.)

10. We can’t duplicate that phone number we have to call to get The Great Battles of World War II for only $9.95.

We wait 25 minutes to get the dial and it blinks before we discover our pen won’t write (which we tested on the paper while we waited).

So let’s recap:

Older people cannot see as well as younger people.

Older people do not hear as well as younger people.

Old people cannot think as fast as young people.

Older people cannot memorize as quickly as younger people.

Old people cannot move as fast as young people.

Seniors have aches and pains that distract them.

Are you a great communicator writing all this down?

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