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The Most Devastating Grief Myth Of All And How To Combat It

Grief myths abound and are passed down from generation to generation as they become “the truth.” The result for most of those grieving the death of a loved one is that they experience much more unnecessary suffering. These myths range from crying is a sign of weakness and you should be strong that you will be your old self again in a few months and stop crying so much.

However, the myth with the longest and most damaging consequences is: you must give up and cut all ties with the deceased. Adherents of this monster myth are usually heavily influenced by those in their support group who are tired of the constant pain and repetition of the grieving process. Here are some important considerations for the inherent need to create a new but different relationship with the deceased.

1. Historically, we have always turned to the wisdom of the deceased to use in solving problems today, and we still do. We celebrate their lives, build buildings and memorials to honor them, and in some cases even preserve their heritage and the place where they once lived.

2. It is wise to use the experiences and ideas of a deceased family member to make decisions and gain insight into a particular problem. This is intelligence in action. It doesn’t mean you have to do what the deceased would have done if you don’t think it would be appropriate. It uses a resource like any other resource in decision-making,

3. A person dies but it is normal that the relationship never dies. This is how our memories work, and there’s a good reason for it, as suggested earlier. So you don’t have to forget or get rid of any reminders (unless they bring sadness). This goes against our nature.

4. Any new relationship with the deceased will change. Some will be stronger than others. Some will be more inspiring than others. Some will have very little interaction. The relationship is based on what is desired and ultimately on memories, heritage and symbolic interaction.

5. Clearly, there is nothing pathological about establishing a new relationship with the deceased, as long as the mourner is doing the normal business of accepting death, reinvesting in a new life, and not basing decisions on what the deceased would have wanted to do. . No one should rule a survivor’s life. The survivor makes decisions about what he/she thinks is the way to go. You simply do not act as if the deceased is here and alive as in your old world.

6. Therefore, it is okay to take some of your loved one’s values, or favorite sayings, or even behaviors and adopt them as long as doing so is not regressive or detrimental to your continued personal growth .

7. Use anything you want that belonged to the deceased – clothing, jewelry, something a loved one made or bought for you – as a way to maintain a connection and recall memories. Or, use a lit candle on special family occasions, eat his or her favorite meal or dessert, make a memorial quilt, or create a new tradition to honor a loved one.

In summary, forming a new relationship with your deceased loved one is normal and can enrich your life. Let your desires and creativity be your guides. Decide what is best for your memory and how you wish to honor the deceased.

Stay away from places, people, or memories that bring sadness until you have more fully accepted death both emotionally and intellectually. In the meantime, use your new relationship as an inspiration to reinvest in the next chapter of your life.

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