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If I Separate From My Husband Will It Scare Him Into Changing?
I often hear from women who are desperate for their husbands to change. Many of these women do not believe that they will be able to sustain their marriage unless some serious changes and improvements occur in the very near future. But unfortunately, many of these same women have heard endless promises of change that never materialize. Often, these promises are made by spouses who, at the time, seem very sincere and convincing, which makes the disappointed even sadder.
I heard from a woman who said, “For the past five years, I’ve been very direct in telling my husband that if he doesn’t change, our marriage just won’t work. He’s lazy, selfish. , and cold. He doesn’t invest any time or effort in our marriage. But he invests all kinds of time in his hobbies and his friends. It’s like me and my kids don’t matter as much as his. He never notices if something bothers me or has problems in my life, but expects me to pat it down. I’m so sick of it. The other day, I told my husband for probably the millionth time that he better change or else. And then when I heard my voice I realized I sounded like I was just making empty threats. My mom says I have to leave or break up with him to scare him into changing. Will this work? Is it a good idea? if i thought he would change i would in a second will. But if he won’t, then what’s the point of ruining my child dren’s lives if I’m going to get more of the same?”
Not knowing the man, it is very difficult for me to answer these questions with absolute certainty. However, often trying to force a person to change under pressure is usually only a temporary solution. It may work for a while, but over time people fall back into their old patterns and habits and then the result is resentment and anger, which only makes a bad situation worse. I strongly believe that people can and do change. I have experienced this in my life and in my marriage. But lasting change will often come when the person in question really wants to change and is motivated by something within themselves.
Sometimes, something will shake the person and inspire them to change. Other times, they just know it’s time for them to take the initiative. Be that as it may, I find that almost universally, the person who changes because they want to is happier and more determined to change than the person who feels like they are “forced” to change or are forced to do so.
So where does that leave you when it’s so frustrating to know that he has to want to change on his own when you don’t know how much you can expect him to eventually evolve? Well, in my opinion and experience, you can often push him by using positive reinforcement without making him feel manipulated or forced to do something he never thought was necessary in the first place.
Encouraging your husband to empathize and want to please you will often inspire change: Please don’t take this the wrong way, but many men admit that when their wife tries to pressure or threaten them to change, they mostly see it as an annoyance or a point of stress from which they want to escape. I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad. I just want to be honest so you can see the best way to approach this situation, which in turn will give you the best chance of getting what you want.
The way around this is to make it feel convenient and not pressured. If you can make him feel real love and empathy for you, then he will actually want to please you and be more inspired to change because he wants to keep making you happy. I know this may sound a bit backwards. But I promise you that I find it much more effective in almost every case. If you give your husband positive feedback, he will feel better about himself, your marriage, and what you want from him.
I know his praise is not what you had in mind. And I’m not suggesting you praise him for behavior you don’t want. But it’s usually possible to catch him doing something right or be in a situation where laughter and teasing would help more than criticism. Once he sees that you won’t constantly focus on negativity, he’ll likely feel a little more loving and empathetic towards you and want to make some changes to make you happy.
So, should you push for a breakup in order to get your husband to change?: This is really a decision that only you should make. My answer would be that if there were other valid reasons for the separation, then look at those reasons to make your decision. But breaking up for the sole reason of forcing your husband to change is probably not the best idea, at least in my experience and opinion. Admittedly, sometimes a breakup brings out the best in people because suddenly, they miss each other and don’t take each other for granted anymore. As a result, they can be on their best behavior to inspire reconciliation. This may include changing some of their behaviors.
But this can also have the opposite result. Sometimes, breakups bring out the worst in people because they are reacting out of fear and insecurity. It really can be a risk that you should consider very carefully, considering the state of your marriage, both of your personalities, and your tolerance level right now. Sometimes, it’s best to try positive reinforcement first and use a more drastic tactic (like a breakup) as a last resort.
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