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True Love: True Betrayal and Baby Boy
I broke up with my first true mutual love and my whole world came crashing down. It’s only the break in history that got me smoking again. I had quit smoking because my first true love, Miss N., ordered me to quit. It was par for the course that as long as I was dating Miss N. I would not smoke.
Of course, Miss N. was really my kind of girl—petite, tall, and light-complexioned—a real yellowbone. When I broke up with him, it hurt so much that I thought I would never recover from the heartache. Of course I hated the sun, the sunrise and yes, the sunset too. I hated life itself. I missed everything about her – the perfume, the gentle smile and her general uplifting demeanor.
The breakup was acrimonious, messy and heartbreaking. At the heart of the breakup was a mixture of immaturity, jealousy and alleged betrayal on her part. Of course, no one said anything about my casual affair antics while meeting Miss N.
With the benefit of inevitability, perhaps, it should not have happened. The breakup happened dramatically after I found out she had been visiting an ex-boyfriend. I didn’t get the full story, something broke for me that day. The golden cup was broken and there was no turning back. This despite the fact that I was deeply in love with Miss N. She was my first true mutual love. She may not have known how deeply I had invested my emotion in our relationship.
To make matters worse, at the time of our relationship, I was a broken man. My life was spinning out of control. My position as President of the Student Representative Council (SRC) was precarious at best. I had actually stopped taking any academic classes. I had full-time armed guards lurking in the background. My life was in danger from the Concerned Student Group. I retreated to my apartment – read novels and played love songs. I was diagnosed with depression. I was not receiving any treatment. As far as I was concerned, my life had hit a rut. She had no deep knowledge of my situation. On the surface, everything looked good.
Anyway, it is a pedantic detail that at the time of separation she was pregnant and I did not know. Neither here nor there did I initiate the breakdown of our relationship. I specifically told him on the phone to never talk or come see me. It is also irrelevant that the allegations of infidelity were never proven. I think it’s also a moot point that many feeble attempts at reconciliation were made after I learned of her pregnancy. All this came to nothing. The sticking point was that I wanted Miss N. to say that the unborn baby was mine, and not the boy she was supposedly seeing. She reasoned that I was impossible. In her mind, I should have accepted responsibility – ‘man up’ so to speak. It became clear to me that she took the breakup badly and couldn’t handle my anger and suspicion. These unresolved issues of anger and despair led him to make what to this day I consider to have been, “a terrible decision.” She decided that she would raise the unborn child herself.
Anyway, I loved Miss N. In fact, I loved her long after we broke up. I told everyone who would listen that one day I would marry Miss N.. It never happened. Instead, life happened.
As a result of the acrimonious separation, she only gave birth to my firstborn. I didn’t even know the exact date. I never had any proof that the child existed. Well, well, until that life-changing moment on an ordinary afternoon when I met my son for the first time by chance in a mall. He was four years old. It was an emotional reunion. Adding salt to the open wound is that he didn’t even know I was his real father. For my part, I could not even acknowledge his presence. I had no right to hold my son and kiss him. As I spoke to his mom, he tightened his grip on the man holding his hand. He may have been afraid of meeting a stranger. He was in the arms of another man – a man unknown to me. It hurt me so much that my son was raised by another stranger.
All my life, I had believed in the mantra that says – there has been no greater villain in the history of mankind than the evil father. Of course, I knew better. I was raised by an abusive father. He had verbal outbursts. He physically abused my siblings. He shouted abuse at the slightest provocation. He ruled by fear. He would verbally humiliate both his child and his wife in one sentence. He showed no love for his wife or children. He was truly a monster.
For four long years, before the chance meeting with my son, I was afraid of becoming the man I hated – my father. He had children scattered all over the place. He paid no attention to them. To him – his children were a necessary concern that could be ignored. In my father’s life – all his children were a lack that was never felt. I talk about my father in the past tense because in my world he doesn’t exist. Deep in my heart I have always known that I am not my father.
I had a dream about a family that was not like his. My dream has always been to start a new family line, a humble line of mine parallel to my father’s line. I had envisioned a house full of boys, yes, I only wanted boys. I wanted my new family line to continue forever. I imagined that my first son would be, “obedient, stay at home and be a pillar of support, marry a good girl” and carry on the family line. I’m glad I lived to tell the tale. Except there’s a twist to my real-life story, I have a baby girl who I love so much she knows it.
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