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Want to Know Why Your Relationships Fail?
You may have heard that after 4 or 5 failed marriages or relationships you should think, “Maybe it’s me.” The same can be said for the meeting scene. But then maybe it’s not you. Maybe your ‘significant other’ never got to know you before your relationship entered the ‘serious’ phase. More than you have known him.
Have you ever thought that your relationship failures start at the beginning of your relationships?
Let’s say you’re out at a club looking for the right guy. You are dreaming of finding the perfect man for you, the one who will love you, appreciate you, put you on a pedestal and treat you like a queen forever and ever.
And then you see it. OK, so he’s not perfect, not exactly what you dreamed of, but that doesn’t matter. Once you start the relationship, you can improve it a little and then it will be perfect. Nothing better than falling in love with the person you intend to change.
The only initial problem is that he is not the right hand man. He is Mr. For now. Most men in clubs, or anywhere else for that matter, aren’t really dreaming of a long-term relationship or marriage. Guys are really looking for some action. For now. As many have said: ‘If a man is not excited, feed him. If he’s not hungry or excited, ask him to follow him.’ Of course, it is possible for a one-night stand to turn into a relationship. Maybe a long term relationship. Maybe marriage. But that’s not what’s on his mind when he first meets you.
Now I know you ladies are smart enough to have figured this much out. And you and I know that no matter what your self-image is, you are all naturally equipped to give a man all the physical pleasure he can handle. So when a guy shows interest, it’s either because he’s attracted to your physical appearance, he thinks you’ll easily succumb to his charms, or he’s desperate and you’re still there.
Let’s deal with the first. Let’s assume there is a physical attraction. And that you withdraw from it. So far, so good. Although it’s not unheard of for couples to begin with an intellectual, business, or friendship relationship, most relationships begin with a physical attraction. There is nothing wrong with that.
But it is at this initial meeting that things start to go wrong.
Every player I’ve ever known swore there was only one thing you had to know how to do to get into a woman’s pants. A man must know how to make a woman believe that he is sincere. If the woman believes that he is sincere, he will have a fun night. And chances are he will never call you again.
I’ve hung out in bars with guys I’ve known who were gamers, heard them tell the wildest lies to women, and watched women fall for them hook, line and sinker. I knew a guy who memorized maps. He would ask a woman where she was from and she would say, ‘Smalltown, Michigan.’ He, though from Texas, would reply, ‘Really? Why I’m from Kindofsmall, Michigan, 20 miles down the road! Do you know Mrs. Johnson? And the woman would go on for an hour or more about all the people she knew, none of whom the boy knew, and he would nod or look sad or react to whatever story she told and she would take the player home. And she would never hear from him again.
The woman, of course, is hurt and angry. She was lied to and used. But not completely. She got a kick out of what she went to the club for. She had a chance in her dream.
I used to ask the players I knew why, if honesty worked, weren’t they really being honest? Why not just be themselves? And they were saying, ‘Because it’s not going to work. Women don’t want a real guy. They want a dream. They live for the fantasy’
But let’s be honest. You girls aren’t honest at first either. Or even during courtship. You don’t sit down and tell the truth about yourself. You don’t talk about your PMS You don’t talk about what a disappointment you are in the morning. About how you really look in the flannel shirts and slacks you wear most of the time. What do you really look like without that makeup and is all that mass really your hair? Have you told your boyfriend that you really don’t wear see-through pajamas to bed every night and that thongs are really uncomfortable? And I’m sure you won’t mention what that incredible cleavage you’ve got is really doing or what’s going to happen when he takes off the armor you’re wearing. Do you tell the truth about your hopes and dreams? About how many children do you want? For the house you dream of, the car you want and the lifestyle you want to live? Have you told him your credit cards are maxed out and you can’t balance the checkbook? How do you say you can’t stand dirty dishes in the sink, dirty socks and underwear on the floor and are a neat freak, except when it comes to your closet? Have you told him that you insult and complain when you don’t get your way? Were you being honest when you said you liked watching sports on television all weekend? Does your house feel like it does when you don’t have a date or a steady boyfriend you’re trying to impress? Are you willing to let him see the mess in your closet? Have you told him that your idea of breakfast is all that’s left over from last night and that you’re not going to make him a full, hot breakfast every morning for the rest of his life?
Or are you trying to figure out what attracts him so that he is interested in you?
Believe me. He is interested. Or desperate. If he is desperate, he will push hard to get you out of the club or push the drink hard.
But what happens when you meet a guy, you’re both attracted to each other, and he says things like:
“I’m a workaholic. My normal work day is 14 hours. (Or it could be, ‘I can’t hold down a job and I still live with mom and dad.’) I’m a functional alcoholic. My pastime is favorite is tv and joint.I want home cooked meals every morning and every night.I hate eating out and will only take you out when I’m trying to get lucky and you don’t attack me at home like you did when we were dating . I’m romantic as a log. Don’t be offended when I forget your birthday, I don’t remember mine. On the weekend, I play sports in the morning and watch sports and drink and smoke all afternoon and evening. I hate talking on the phone and there’s a lot unlikely that your mother and I would get along really well. I leave my dirty socks and underwear on the floor and leave the toilet upstairs. I don’t wash the dishes, I don’t clean the bathrooms, and if you want a house with a yard you can mow the lawn and you cut fences. I hate your girlfriends except for one or two. I’ll fantasize when I have b your red for you”.
You would run. You’d think the guy was weird and that he should be in a mental ward. But he is telling you the truth. This is really him. He is not a player. He’s not trying to bag you that night. He wants you to know what you’re getting into. He is honest. He is really interested in you. He doesn’t want you to be disappointed when you find out the truth.
Welcome to reality girls. The description above is a pretty accurate description of who most of us really are. A few variations here and there, but it’s pretty close.
So, after the dating game or even “let’s live together” ends in marriage, the real truth is revealed. On both sides. You are smitten and so is he. Now you have to face the realities you’ve been hiding from each other. The fantasy is done.
So instead of playing the players, what do you do with the guy who’s honest, who tells you the plain, unvarnished, ugly truth? You can at least appreciate it to be honest. You can understand that there is a basis for a real relationship with someone who is real. It could just be a friendship. But it would be a true friendship.
So try to calm down with some truth telling to yourself. Try to be a little more than who you really are. For the future, remember that most guys really are that easy to control. And boys really aren’t that hard to change. What makes a guy so well behaved, romantic, and why was he trying so hard to please you when you were dating?
Was that guy chasing you because you screamed, complained, forked out a lot and told him what to do all the time? Because you were always tired and in a bad mood? Does your baggy shirts, no make-up and ponytail look sexy?
No. The guy was following you because he was interested and because you were trying. Because you were doing those special things to make life and romance interesting. Because you rewarded his good behavior. Because you motivated him with love to do what you wanted him to do.
Guys work hard when you try to turn them on, when you please them physically, when you praise them and when you reward them.
Just as you want to be praised and rewarded, so do most men. The rewards we want may be different than yours, but we both want rewards. And this is a simple truth. If he doesn’t get his, you won’t get yours. To get you have to give. If you want romance, try to remember that it’s women who are romantic. Men are not. Unless there is something in it for them. Make a plan for a guy to take you out for a special night, and at the end of it, say, “Thanks for the special night” and give him a peck on the cheek. See if you ever have a romantic evening planned by him again for the rest of your life. Make the evening special for her and you will have more special evenings.
As Pavlov tested with a dog, and men are not much more evolved than dogs, dogs respond to rewards.
Meet your man at the back door in your flannel shirt and slacks, whore for your bad day, and dump him because he doesn’t do anything romantic anymore. Or rather, because he doesn’t spend much time with you anymore. Just look at how anxious he is to come home tomorrow.
Not in the mood for sex? Did you have a bad day? Crazy with him? Just want to punish him by rejecting him? Go ahead. It’s a great idea. Then get really hurt when you find out he’s having sex with someone else.
Not in the mood for sex? Answer this. Even if you’re in a bad mood, when did orgasm feel bad? If you really want to feel like you’re having one, use it for your own enjoyment. He won’t have a problem. In fact, he’ll feel even more loved than you loved him when you really weren’t able to.
Meet him at the tailgate in that teddy you’re wearing, greet him with a big kiss and rock his world; you will swim in roses and romance.
I have told you the truth. Try it and see if it works. If you’ve been married for a while, don’t expect immediate results. You’ve already trained him. Men, like children and dogs, pick up bad habits very quickly. Good habits take a lot of work, a lot of repetition, and a lot of rewards.
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