Should Mothers Be Examing Their 5 Years Old Private Parts The Forgotten Factor in Coping with the Death of Your Loved One

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The Forgotten Factor in Coping with the Death of Your Loved One

No one is immune to the sad experience of grieving the death of a loved one. However, until death enters our lives and a significant person is no longer with us, our culture teaches us to deny death and minimize its impact on quality of life. Then, if we’re lucky, we get a crash course in grief from a counselor, clergy or social worker.

Regardless of what we learned at the time, we have long been burdened with the half-truths and false beliefs that well-meaning adults maintain. These assumptions and beliefs make it difficult to achieve the ultimate goal of all grieving: accepting the reality of the loss. Acceptance means saying an intellectual, but more importantly, an emotional yes to this great change in our lives.

Acceptance comes only through the concerted effort of the person grieving. Contrary to the old misinformation, time does not heal all wounds unless the mourner acts out their grief. Or, as a mother once told me after the death of her 17-year-old son in a car accident, “Time doesn’t help if you don’t work between the minutes.”

The key insight is that you must take steps every day to accept and reinvest in life. All this is easy to say but hard to do. So what form should the event take? Here are five starters.

1. Talk to yourself every day and night that you will get through this dark soul searching experience. What you say to yourself not only affects every cell in your body for better or worse, but it powerfully influences much-needed action that only you can initiate.

2. Positive self-talk alone, while necessary, is not a panacea. You need to start creating small successes to realize that you can adapt to this big life change. This is the key factor. Make a plan to get you through that particular day (even the next hour) or a day you think will be difficult for you. Maybe a part-time job or doing your own tax return for the first time would be successful for you. Find something and pursue it because it will strengthen your inner life.

3. Realize how far you’ve come. When you review your day, give yourself credit for where you are on your journey. If it’s only been a month or a few months, keep in mind that you’re still going and you’re going to keep going. Tell yourself every day that you will stick with it and know that things will change for the better. Your consistent customization will make the difference. Celebrate your progress with a friend you trust and who knows your pain.

4. Explore why you are where you are in your grief work. What skills did you use? Or what hidden talent did you uncover that you didn’t realize you had? Something got you this far. Your ability to organize? Your commitment? Faith? Your faith? Do you know you are not alone or how you relate to caregivers? Keep using whatever and work on further development. In short, recognize and use your strengths.

5. Start and end each day with memories of gratitude. This will be especially helpful when you feel a downward spiral and anxiety about your loss starting to creep in. Review your day and find out the good things that happened – an old friend called, you found a key you lost, you got a raise, the computer is working well, etc. – and fully immerse yourself in the good feelings. This is healthy mental health in the making. Also, review your life with the deceased and choose some memories to be grateful for. Focus on all that you have received and re-immerse yourself in the feeling of being loved by him/her and the Higher Power.

In the final analysis, your act of making small achievements will be the determining factor in removing unnecessary suffering from your time of grief. In the process of adjustment, let go of the idea that you cannot experience moments of joy and inner peace. We all need them to offset the sadness and negative thoughts that constantly seep into our thinking. It’s okay to smile, feel good, or laugh without guilt—that’s part of the action you can take and another small accomplishment. It will recharge you when you return to continue adjusting to your great loss.

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