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The Importance of Father-Daughter Relationships
In today’s busy world, fathers have very little time to be involved in the upbringing and development of their children. “Fathers bring a unique presence, a special power, to raising children,” says clinical psychologist Ray Guarendia in his book “Back to the Family.”
How true this is in raising daughters! Just as there is a special bond between mothers and sons, there is a unique relationship between fathers and daughters. Therefore, fathers cannot afford to remain distant figures in their daughters’ lives. Parenting is a joint enterprise in which fathers participate as actively as mothers.
There are various reasons why father involvement is limited.
o Ambitious and overworked fathers prioritize their work over the well-being of their families. They come home too tired to spend quality time with their children. The kids are often asleep when they get back and off to school before dad wakes up.
o Absentee Dads: People who work on the road, such as airline pilots, sales representatives, salespeople or long-haul truck drivers, may be away from home often, sometimes for long periods.
o Divorced fathers with limited visitation rights also cannot spend enough time with their children.
o False notions that girls should be raised exclusively by mothers or housewives force men to distance themselves from their daughters. They feel embarrassed to show affection, so they miss out on the little intimacies they could share with their daughters.
The word “dad” is universal in nature. It conjures qualities of responsibility, protection, love and discipline. Being a father can be a rewarding job, and a man who abdicates his responsibility is not fulfilling his God-given role. John Rosemond, a family counselor, wrote in one of his articles that the father must not only be present, but must be “actively involved” and a “strongly engaged participant” in the process of raising children.
Jawaharlal Nehru, the first Prime Minister of India, spent long periods in prison during the struggle for Indian independence. He greatly regretted his separation from his beloved daughter Indira, but kept in touch with her through letters, which were later compiled into the book “Glimpses of World History”. These letters express his deep love for her and the ease with which he expressed it.
“Priyadarshini, dear to my sight, but ever dearer to my heart…”
“I think of the day when the three of us meet again, and the thought of it brightens and cheers my heart.
Despite his absence, he stimulated in her an interest in world history, science and politics, which contributed in no small measure to the formation of her character.
Or who could forget dad William Jackson Smart, who raised six children alone in rural Washington, and his daughter Senora Dodd, who fought for Father’s Day as a dedication to dads like him.
In order to be a good father, one must be aware of several basic requirements.
o Show love. No father should feel embarrassed to show affection to his daughter. A touch, a hug, a special smile and three little words “I love you” are tangible ways to communicate love. He learns to reciprocate this love. This is her first male-female relationship with her father and will influence her behavior with her husband later in life. The earliest reflection of herself as a woman comes from her father. How does he look at her? Does he accept her without reservation? Or does he treat her as inferior to her brother? When she shows respect, she feels valued as an individual. When he ignores her or is too critical, she begins to feel that she is worthless.
o Show love and respect to her mother. A good and loving relationship between parents is the basis for her development into a happy and balanced child. It gives her a sense of security and a good opinion of marriage.
o Joint activities: A good father will show interest in his daughter’s activities. It makes her feel good about her abilities and accomplishments. He finds something to praise. A father should be the leader of his daughter. Doing things together like reading, walking, playing games is time well spent. He also learns to see things through her eyes as she takes him through her wonderland. Time is a very precious gift.
o Communication: Listening and paying attention to what your daughter says is a way to show love. What may seem silly to an adult may be annoying to a child. She should be encouraged to talk about her school problems, peer pressure, studies, or any other conflict situations. A good father will help her find a solution to her problems. He will teach and not accuse. She will have the opportunity to express her opinions and be open to advice.
o Respect: A girl should be seen as a person and not as property. Her right to privacy and her room for growth must be respected.
o Honesty: Being honest with your child will make the father trustworthy in her estimation. Her questions should be answered reasonably. She should learn to distinguish between right and wrong, honesty and dishonesty. She should not be forced to do what she does not want to do by offering inducements, threats or emotional blackmail.
o Discipline: “Discipline is one of the most cherished and lasting gifts a parent can give to a child,” says Gaurendi. It should be consistent, fair and served with love. When training a child in the way he should go, the father should make sure that he himself goes that way. The task of parenting is overwhelming. It is exciting to see men who take family responsibilities seriously, are caring and compassionate. The way the father speaks, the words he uses, the tone of his voice can be encouraging or discouraging. The reliability and integrity she learned from her father will prepare her for the “school of hard knocks” she must go through on her journey to adulthood.
The relationship between father and daughter reaches a very delicate stage during adolescence. This period needs to be negotiated tactfully and efficiently. She needs to be reassured that she is valued as an intelligent and independent person. Realizing their daughter’s sexuality is uncomfortable for many fathers. He suddenly feels demoted in her priority list. He was the center of her universe until now. Now her eyes begin to yearn and focus on the other boys. He wants to dress differently and behave differently. Some fathers do not handle these changes well. They may react by being overprotective or bossy.
o Overprotection: In a society that doesn’t value modesty or sexual purity, Dad fears his precious girl might stray. He feels that it is his responsibility to set the rules about who he will date, or how he will dress, or what kind of company he will keep. This ‘father neurosis’ is unwelcome. The girl feels restricted. On the one hand, it can make her feel insecure, as if she is unable to take care of herself. On the other hand, she might want to escape this ‘motherly love’ before it stunts her emotional growth.
o Domineering: Daughters tend to rebel against dictatorial fathers. When strict rules are put in place that she considers unnecessary, limiting her activities, she may come to fear or hate him. There is a distinct tendency towards rebellion. A father must be sensitive to his daughter’s growing needs and make reasonable calculations. He should negotiate fairly, allowing her to gain confidence and pride in her choices. But he also needs to impress upon her that choices have consequences.
A daughter sees her father as the yardstick by which she will judge the worth of other men. If he is well mannered, reliable, honest and loving, he will look for these qualities in other men. He must also be a praying father because he reflects the unconditional love of God our father. Child psychologist Phyllis Bronstein says that while a mother teaches care and nurturing, a father teaches physical ability, assertiveness, and adventure. Children with good fathers get along well with other people and are successful. While those who are neglected by their fathers show lower IQ, poor school performance and delinquency.
When fathers are abusive, demanding, irresponsible or alcoholic, this also has an adverse effect on daughters. They look for similar traits in spouses or lovers. Regardless of the harm it causes them physically, mentally and emotionally, this “hunger for a father” drives them to seek out such men in the hope that things will eventually change. One father said: “If I screw it up, he’ll spend the rest of his life with ‘crap’.” I don’t want that to happen.”
Too much petting of Molly is unhealthy and can lead to “father fixation”. This kind of improper parenting can be the cause of the Electra Complex – a psychological term for a girl’s romantic feelings towards her father and anger towards her mother. Carl Jung called it the “Female Oedipal Attitude.” This can even lead to an incestuous relationship between father and daughter.
An anonymous poet has this advice for fathers:
“Take stock and consider your child,
Your time and your thoughts belong to her;
For how would you answer the Lord if he asked
What was your father like?”
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