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Spray Tanning: An Interesting and Intimate Experience!

As I grew (and grew) I came to a conclusion: Fat looks darker! Therefore, as summer approaches, I hate wearing my shorts (let alone my bathing suit!). With all the dangers associated with tanning beds, I decided to try a spray tan. If you’ve never had a spray tan, live with a substitute and then decide!

Step One: Call ahead to schedule an appointment. Decide when to go based on when the store is less busy (as if everyone doesn’t know the tan is fake).

Step Two: The “Tanning Technician” tells me to exfoliate and not use lotion or makeup.

Step Three: Decide to bathe right before the appointment. Exfoliate.

Step Four: Get out of the tub.

Step Five: Realize you have long hair (under and around places that will be spray tanned) and get back in the tub.

Step Six: Shave parts you can’t see. I was impressed with my ability to stretch and bend like a pretzel. Wondering if there is enough hair to donate to Locks of Love?

Step Seven: Ask yourself if what my two-year-old daughter just saw will mark her for life.

Step Eight: Go sans lotion or make-up to the tanning salon (resist the urge to itch at the instant shave burn and feel a new “hairless rear”.

Step Nine: Act like I’m not uncomfortable taking off my thong. Feel good about the decision to shave (parts down there).

Step Ten: Put on a silly shower cap.

Step Eleven: Try not to make eye contact with the “spray tan lady” as the actual act of spraying someone else naked is quite uncomfortable.

Step Twelve: Silently clapped in as it doesn’t ask me to “bend over” to spray the actual butt break (the white crack tan line doesn’t bother me!).

Step Thirteen: Ask yourself if the “Tanning Technician” thinks the stretch marks and veins on my back are a real map.

Step Fourteen: Pretend not to notice that it has to go over your cheeks about 5 times (whereas every other area took once).

Step Fifteen: Pretend it’s not uncomfortable as you exfoliate your legs to ensure there are no “bikini” tan lines.

Step Sixteen: Allow the material to dry. Take the time it takes to dry and dance in the shower cap mirror after the tanner leaves the room.

Step Seventeen: Go outside the tanning bed and pretend that this tanned girl and I are probably married in some countries (considering the things she’s seen!)

Step Eighteen: Replace all the tanning solutions back on the shelves my two year old removed.

Step Nineteen: Remove the “palm” tan stickers from my daughter’s hair (and other body parts).

Step Twenty: Look in the mirror and think again: “Yes, even fat looks better tanned!”

Step Twenty One: Look great with a spray tan without the danger of the sun!

Step Twenty-Two: Tell everyone what my experience was and definitely encourage them to go through the same things I had to go through!

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