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The Real Reason For Guys Night Out
Why do guys go to bars or clubs? Well, it’s always good to get together with some of your friends and blow off some steam, right? Now, what about the real reason? Of course! To meet girls. And why do guys want to meet girls? Right again. Score. Don’t you feel better now that you’ve admitted it? Don’t get me wrong. If you meet a really cool girl with girlfriend potential, that’s a bonus. However, the odds of that happening are about as good as meeting a group of nymphomaniac 18-year-old bisexual aerobics instructors from Greece. In other words… it won’t happen!
So, what is this methodical selection process guys are using to find the miss right now? Let me describe it step by step:
1. Repeatedly survey the establishment for potential leads.
2. Check the door regularly to see what new talent has come in.
3. Focus on an attractive girl.
4. Do a quick check to see if the beer goggles are on.
5. Head towards the goal while coming up with a ridiculous opening line.
There are those who will move in regardless of whether she is attractive or not. I personally do not approve of such behavior, but it works for them.
It’s always important to get the support of a friend or two before taking the plunge. The dialog goes something like this:
Guy A: Yeah. See that girl over there?
Guy B: Yeah.
Guy A: Would you do it?
Guy B: Yeah, probably.
Guy A: Great.
The fact that even one of your friends would do it seems to justify your actions, giving you the green light you were hoping for. But make sure the guy you ask is one who maintains a level of standards. Otherwise, it’s like asking a starving man if he’d like a fried pork sandwich covered in Spam. Plus, if it turns out your glasses were strong, you’ll have some backup to help deflect some of the barrage you’ll inevitably get from your boys later.
Sorry for the crude comparison (ladies), but searching for girls is like fishing. You spend a lot of time waiting for someone to like you before you throw out the line and reel it in.
It’s really hard for guys. The odds are against us from the start. Anything a guy says as an opening comment is considered a challenge. Even if you say a line that isn’t actually supposed to be a line, it’s automatically considered one of those “lines that aren’t supposed to sound like lines”. Come to think of it, I think if I were an attractive girl at a bar, I wouldn’t believe a thing that came out of a guy’s mouth. Knowing what we all know about ourselves, we can’t blame them, can we?
But wouldn’t you like to know what the girls think when you’ve been belting out the same tired rap for the bajillionth time? As for me, the whole time I’m talking to a girl, I’m thinking, “They’re not really buying it, are they? There’s no way they’re buying it. But, man, I really want to see what she looks like naked on my couch in the living room .”
As we all know, some guys will do anything to get a girl. Some choose the direct method. However, these types are either really cocky or really stupid. By the time they walk up to a girl and say “hello” their rap is off and running. This method is for gamblers and will lead to one of two things. Either they get a missile lock or they get knocked out of the sky. Guys who choose this approach do so willingly. They know the risks and welcome the challenge. I tend to be more subtle in my approach. I actually use bold and brash guys to do the dirty work for me. I let them break the ice and start a conversation. Then before they know what hit them, I’ve worked my way into the conversation and created a clear path that has the main man helpless on a barstool sucking on a tasty Zima. I admit it’s a little cowardly. However, it is effective and since I don’t have a pair of coconut sized testicles, I will continue to use it. Of course, you can always resort to buying the girls drinks. However, this will leave you poor and lonely.
There is one more method; however, it is not for the faint of heart. I’ve never used it, but I’ve seen it done. It’s desperate, but it works. It’s a good cop/bad cop routine game, so you’ll need the services of a friend to play the bad cop to your good cop.
Here’s how it works. You two approach the girl you are interested in. How you do it is not important. After cutting through the first round of a typical bar conversation, a girl will inevitably ask about your current occupation to gauge your financial situation. This will allow her to determine whether or not she should waste any more time with you. She has no idea what awaits her. So while the bad cop will brag about how much money he’s making as a Wall Street trader, you’re deliberately keeping your cool and obviously trying to change the subject. When a girl asks you about your job, be visibly uncomfortable with the question. Then your friend should try to goad you into telling her like it’s a big secret or something. Insist that you prefer not to talk about it. This will really increase her curiosity. Keep up the modesty game. After your requests to cancel this line of questioning are ignored, begrudgingly give your friend permission to tell her. In a very mocking and sarcastic tone, he should tell the girl how you work as a volunteer at a home for abused quadriplegic orphans with incurable diseases from El Salvador. He should also mock your unlivable salary and the fact that you do what you do because you love children. At this point, as she looks at you like the second coming of Mother Teresa, you should be able to see the tears welling up in her eyes. But keep in mind that while he’s kicking you, he thinks your boyfriend is a moron. Keeping a very humble and altruistic expression is really the key to the whole trick. She will be very impressed that you don’t want to make a big deal out of it. If done right, it can’t be missed and you’ll be having sex in no time.
So, what did we learn? Guys go to bars to watch sports center? No. Do guys go to bars to catch up and discuss potential obstacles to democracy in post-war Iraq? Not quite. The main and only reason guys go to bars is to meet women with the hope of sex. Unless of course the guy is married, and that’s another topic for another time!
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