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How to Impress a Cat

1. Don’t even try.

The more you try to impress your cat, the more she will remain adamantly unimpressed. Straighten up now, nothing you do as a mere human will ever impress a cat. Don’t even try. Puh-lease. . . !

2. Ask someone else to try it.

This one works every time. Get someone else to do the old impress-the-cat routine. Any self-respecting cat will inevitably remain unfazed by another mere human and choose you for its favor due to the fact that you are clearly a mere human with less initiative and therefore easier to manipulate. This includes food, toys and anything you can think of. Let the other mere human do it, and you’ll soon have a purring ball of fluff in your lap.

3. Ignore the dog.

In fact, ignore all other pets, people, and things. Behave around deaf family members. Never watch TV. Do not use the phone. Above all, show no interest in having another person or animal share your space. Cats simply cannot understand how you can surpass them in your absolute indifference to the existence of others. They will eventually give in to their curiosity and come check you out. If you then show even a flicker of interest in their presence, they are yours for life. That’s respect.

4. It never disappoints when you give your best.

This is like a private digging a foxhole, then covering it up, then digging it up again. . . It’s all about the human willingness to keep jumping through hoops. Aww, don’t you like food, the same food you’ve begged for a thousand times in the last week alone? Here’s some fresh food! And more waiting after that when it doesn’t level up either! Damn the expenses. Damn the inconvenience! Damn those accusing looks! Wait, let me run to the store in a panic to find another food you won’t like. Let me deal with your silent accusations that I’m trying to poison you morons. Let me wonder how a mere human can satisfy you. I’m just doing my best.

5. Pay more attention to the cat than to your girlfriend.

Oh the drama. Oh the tears. Oh, how impressive that a mere human would stake his reputation as a man and his future chances of romantic engagement by paying more attention to a pet than to a significant other. What a dude! What a loser! Cats love the ambiguity that such multiple loyalties create.

6. Keep the litter box tidy.

Well, this one doesn’t really impress, but it does limit the backlash, which is the best you can usually hope for.

7. Mimic a hairball.

Cats are really impressed when they see a mere human throwing something. Any mere human who can do this with the equipment and sound effects to match deserves to be inducted into the Honorable Fellow Club of (albeit minor) cats. Practice throwing until it becomes second nature to you. With this method, you will never reach a sublime state, but you will experience a shift from utter contempt to grudging respect.

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