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Tantrum, Not Listening
Sometimes lately my 5 year old “angel” drags her feet when I ask her to get dressed and come down to school. He whines and throws an “age appropriate” tantrum. Under these circumstances, he ignores my plea that “the governor of the state of Nebraska requires children to be on time for school, so move now!” During these dark moods, until I help her dress, hold her hand, and lead her to the breakfast table, my little darling will not move.
Ah, the stress it sometimes causes me in the mornings. It’s no fun watching the clock and getting her ready because time flies. Oh, my blood pressure is rising. Backpack, snack, folder, cap. I hate the rush, rush, rush of it all!
So I tried every conceivable approach to get my daughter to listen and not get angry. I’ve found that old-fashioned bribery (Webster’s definition #2: something used to induce or influence) and what I call “semi-strict monitoring” works well for my preschool. He listens much better.
But first, try to find out the cause of the tantrum. A tantrum can be triggered by a number of things, and the cause of the tantrum should help determine your response to it. If the tantrum is caused by hunger or sleepiness, feed the child or allow him to take a nap. If frustration or fear triggers a tantrum, you need to comfort your child. If the child feels ignored, spend quality time with him, play or read, etc. However, if your child is acting out because he cannot assert himself…
Here’s what you can do. If you’re pressed for time and your baby won’t come to you as directed, go get her, dress her yourself, and then tell her that if she acts like a baby, you’ll treat her like a baby. She won’t like this! Hold her hand and direct her to the breakfast table, sit her in a chair, and remind her that if she doesn’t listen, she’s given a 5-minute time-out to use as a bribery tool. There will be wine and he jerks and begs for a pass. Remember college psychology? I played around with Ivan Pavlov’s Theory of Association (classical conditioning) and applied it to Mom. Not listening = timeout. Yes, when the bell rings, my daughter practically drools.
If she wants you to get her something, tell her clothes from her closet, tell her you’ll help her when she does something like put your dirty clothes in the bin. Watch and observe. He will listen.
If she has a tantrum and time has no effect on it, remind her that you expect more from a ____(insert age) year old and that you will not tolerate tantrums. Leave the room and come back only after the crying stops. Then tell her to use her “big girl voice”. That winning and crying are not effective ways to communicate with me or anyone. Then, in a calm and patient way, give her a real sentence example of how to express your thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs.
Once the tantrum is over, discuss the behavior with your child. While there is no point in arguing with your child in the middle of a tantrum, you can both learn a lot by discussing the incident later. Explain that this behavior is unacceptable, but also make sure your child understands that you love them regardless. Hug them. Try to uncover the cause of the tantrum, if you haven’t already, and take the opportunity to discuss better alternatives with your child.
don’t forget Tell your child that you expect an apology for their behavior. Post-Tantrum when he says “I’m sorry.” Ask her what she’s sorry for. This question will help her understand that tantrums are not acceptable. He will learn.
If you have to run out the door with a screaming child who hides under the table when called, assertively pick her up and carry her to the vehicle and remind her that you are disappointed. Before school, kiss her goodbye and tell her you love her. Then at the end of the day, even if she’s in a good mood, remind her that her attitude is inappropriate. Tell her that she can make a personal decision to be positive for the rest of the day. Ask her what her choice is. Kids like options. They learn to listen.
Is your child disobeying you over and over again? Remember that the tantrum phase will pass and your job is to guide and love your child through it. Try to follow my examples as above. They are working.
Writer’s Note: While there are many schools of thought on this topic, I firmly believe that spanking a child as punishment for disobeying or throwing a tantrum is unhealthy for both parent and child and teaches:
-that you are out of control
-that hitting is acceptable behavior
– that feelings should be suppressed and not vented (the toddler expresses feelings in the only way he can)
-Children learn from their parents’ examples. If they do not receive a spanking from them, the child will be less likely to hit when he is angry with his peers.
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